I dont think i have been this depressed in a really long time. I am just sad, i feel defeated, i feel alone and worthless and nobody wants me. nobody wants to be around me or hang out with me, nobody wants to be WITH ME. i just want someone to love me, i just want to love someone, i want to hold someone and be that someones special something...but i dont think i am good enough for that. Its the feeling like i am defeated part of me that feels that way. I just want to love someone like i used to love someone. My last relationship, i would travel 2 hours, spend 200 a month on travel and it would all be worth it but now, like right now right now... i dont feel like i am ever going to be capable of loving someone that much again.
Today, Co-dependent issues popped in my head on the way home. I never looked into that, i didnt know what it was or what the symptoms are or were, nothing. Well today i looked it up and it sounds like i have a co-depended issue. A lot of what triggers it or symptoms of it are there for me...like a lot. Mostly abandonment issues and feeling alone. Ive been abandoned by my father twice, once when i was younger, baby like and then again when i was 15-16 when i decided it was time to give him a chance. Then i had an emotionally abusive relationship like years ago, where she just grabbed all of her stuff and just disappeared. no goodbye, no reason, no nothing. like that whole year of a relationship was nothing. like it meant nothing, like i didnt matter and the things we did were just a dream. Then I had my last relationship that ended 2 days after my fucking birthday and 2 days before our year together, just end. like...all the struggle and the fighting and the talking and the me changing for her and the me showing her and telling her how much i loved her. me expanding my boundaries and trying new things and getting along with her shitty dysfunctional family and me supporting her and what she wants to do and me trying to help her get herself back on the right track health wise or me trying to get her to get back into her art by constantly reminder that she needed to get up an be creative instead of watching House all the fucking time or getting her to go try a new place to eat with me or even watching something thats out of her comfort zone...that was so fucking stupid, Fargo is an amazing film adventure, why wouldnt you want to watch that.
I poured my heart out to her to let her know about my abandonment issues and just only slightly understood.
People leave me, they just go, no words, no explanations, they just leave.So thats why when im on twitter and i DM or i tweet or i text someone on their phone and they dont respond and i get pissed... its because why am i not good enough to respond to? why can you take the time to hit a fucking like but you can take the fucking time to write 140 characters to me....i take every form of friendship seriously bc its all i have got.if i didnt want to be friends with people i wouldnt engage them or try to build a relationship but there are those that i do try to make something with and its not always good but i feel like they are worth it. but fuck me right, its not always what it seems.
I am sure there is way more but venting out like this has made me feel a little better, i guess i should write magic stuff on here huh
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