I dont think i have been this depressed in a really long time. I am just sad, i feel defeated, i feel alone and worthless and nobody wants me. nobody wants to be around me or hang out with me, nobody wants to be WITH ME. i just want someone to love me, i just want to love someone, i want to hold someone and be that someones special something...but i dont think i am good enough for that. Its the feeling like i am defeated part of me that feels that way. I just want to love someone like i used to love someone. My last relationship, i would travel 2 hours, spend 200 a month on travel and it would all be worth it but now, like right now right now... i dont feel like i am ever going to be capable of loving someone that much again.
Today, Co-dependent issues popped in my head on the way home. I never looked into that, i didnt know what it was or what the symptoms are or were, nothing. Well today i looked it up and it sounds like i have a co-depended issue. A lot of what triggers it or symptoms of it are there for me...like a lot. Mostly abandonment issues and feeling alone. Ive been abandoned by my father twice, once when i was younger, baby like and then again when i was 15-16 when i decided it was time to give him a chance. Then i had an emotionally abusive relationship like years ago, where she just grabbed all of her stuff and just disappeared. no goodbye, no reason, no nothing. like that whole year of a relationship was nothing. like it meant nothing, like i didnt matter and the things we did were just a dream. Then I had my last relationship that ended 2 days after my fucking birthday and 2 days before our year together, just end. like...all the struggle and the fighting and the talking and the me changing for her and the me showing her and telling her how much i loved her. me expanding my boundaries and trying new things and getting along with her shitty dysfunctional family and me supporting her and what she wants to do and me trying to help her get herself back on the right track health wise or me trying to get her to get back into her art by constantly reminder that she needed to get up an be creative instead of watching House all the fucking time or getting her to go try a new place to eat with me or even watching something thats out of her comfort zone...that was so fucking stupid, Fargo is an amazing film adventure, why wouldnt you want to watch that.
I poured my heart out to her to let her know about my abandonment issues and just only slightly understood.
People leave me, they just go, no words, no explanations, they just leave.So thats why when im on twitter and i DM or i tweet or i text someone on their phone and they dont respond and i get pissed... its because why am i not good enough to respond to? why can you take the time to hit a fucking like but you can take the fucking time to write 140 characters to me....i take every form of friendship seriously bc its all i have got.if i didnt want to be friends with people i wouldnt engage them or try to build a relationship but there are those that i do try to make something with and its not always good but i feel like they are worth it. but fuck me right, its not always what it seems.
I am sure there is way more but venting out like this has made me feel a little better, i guess i should write magic stuff on here huh
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Lizzy Constance/Kassen, Im so fucking sorry
I loved you. i loved you so much, so very very much and i fucked up twice. BIG TIME twice. Seeing that you are married now, it really brings up old feelings and it makes me realize that i could have had something you with and we could and would have been happy. not telling you was my lifes biggest regret, number 1, right at the top. Elizabeth "lizzy" Contance, i loved you from the moment i met you and i didnt tell you till it was too late and i had already messed up.
I am writing this, hoping that i can just write up my feelings and i can just stop thinking about about this. it isnt agonizing or life ruining but it doesnt make me feel good about not telling her until it was too late. sooo its going to be unedited, sans good grammer and maybe some run ons. its just right from the heart and raw so im just gonna go.
I loved her from the first day i met her and even though high school all over the place, stupid, pressurefilled and just hell to begin with, you made me realize my mistakes, how to care about someone and that i could actually just love someone and they care about me for who i was . Liz was far from the most popular person in school, she was a fucking BRAIN, quiet, and shy but she was open to me. she would ask me to have lunch with her, she would rest her head on my shoulder, she would let me walk her to classes, she would sit next to me in almost every class we had together, she would have me be in her group when we had class projects together. she would share her food with me and vice versa, she would keep me in check from being a jerk and still love me for it and i wouldnt bite back.she would be honest with me...she cared about me. No matter what phase i was in, Jocks, band kids, MTG groups. no matter how many girls i hooked up with, she was there. sure she made fun and called me a man whore but the smile that followed up with it,i always knew she was messing with me and she knew i could take it and that she was right.
I asked her to a dance, i didnt think it was a serious thing, just two friends going to a dance. it was just a casual thing, to me at least. we danced a bit, they stood around and this girl i knew wanted to dance with me so i went to go dance with her and it was for awhile. Liz and her friends, we kinda wandering around and not dancing and i think they were thinking about leaving. The girl i was dancing with, i thought she was DTF and i was like yeah, i should try to get my D wet, she made plans, she left and Liz was pissed at me. MY ultimate fuck up, i should have stayed with her all night and just danced with her, we could have had a moment and i ruined it. i fucked up so bad.Fromthat moment on she never, ever let me forget that i did that to her which influenced my decision on who to go to prom with. I would have loved to take her but i was afraid she was going to say no and i was going to end up going alone i mean i totally fucked up and bent her trust. SECOND major regret in my life. the first two involve her.
So thats the first one, fucking up and not staying with her at the dance. I didnt realize it was that important to her. she never made a fuss about going to dances and bc it was senior year she decided why not just fucking go to one. and i fucked that up.
The other one is me never telling her how i felt about her...i think as the months of going to school wound down, i was realizing that i might not ever see her again and it was killing me. i cared about her, i figured we would be close forever and that even though she was going to leave, we would stay close. well we didnt, and i hate myself for not sticking with her. During our time writing in our yearbooks, i spilled my guts out everywhere and told her how sorry i was for the dance and that i loved her and that i always would love her and that i hope she was going to have a good time traveling, i think that was it, during the summer and that i hope to hear from here when she was settled in. well School started for the both of us and we drifted apart, we talked on and off for a while and some times not at all. at the point i was was this really hot yet incredibly crazy girl and we had been dating for about a year and a half when stuff started to fall apart.There was a weekend where i went to LA with friends and realized that i fucking missed liz so much and that i really needed to see her and talk to her. so i messaged her on FB and we started to chat and we got our friendship a little back on track. At that point my gf had become my ex and i thought to myself, fantastic i am gonna go up to see liz for the weekend at UC davis and see what happens. sweet, i bought a train ticket up there and we had planned for me to stay with her and that was going on. I mentioned that i wanted to have a nice quiet dinner just the two of us and talk about us and whats up with her schooling and stuff. But then she told me she had been seeing someone and that she didnt think it was a good idea that i go up there... and that was the last time i talked to her. i am sure i texted her a few times but after that, we just stopped talking. I guess it was too late for us and we were both moving on with our lives. yeah it sucked but i had 4 years to be with her and it was my fault for not saying anything to her or showing her how much she ment to me. when i saw that she was this one guy a few months later i just removed her from my TL notifications and just assumed that they would break up and we would or wouldnt talk again. well my life went on, she stayed with that guy and two weeks ago i found out they got married. She married her first boyfriend... I think this will stick unless one of them becomes unhappy.
Well i feel a little bit better now. There are a lot of details in there that i missed but i just skimmed over me fucking up and not maning up and telling her how i felt...I loved you so much Liz and im sorry i didnt do better and that i was a stupid idiot kid that just let someone amazing slip by. I would have given you the whole fucking world, thats how much you ment to me
I am writing this, hoping that i can just write up my feelings and i can just stop thinking about about this. it isnt agonizing or life ruining but it doesnt make me feel good about not telling her until it was too late. sooo its going to be unedited, sans good grammer and maybe some run ons. its just right from the heart and raw so im just gonna go.
I loved her from the first day i met her and even though high school all over the place, stupid, pressurefilled and just hell to begin with, you made me realize my mistakes, how to care about someone and that i could actually just love someone and they care about me for who i was . Liz was far from the most popular person in school, she was a fucking BRAIN, quiet, and shy but she was open to me. she would ask me to have lunch with her, she would rest her head on my shoulder, she would let me walk her to classes, she would sit next to me in almost every class we had together, she would have me be in her group when we had class projects together. she would share her food with me and vice versa, she would keep me in check from being a jerk and still love me for it and i wouldnt bite back.she would be honest with me...she cared about me. No matter what phase i was in, Jocks, band kids, MTG groups. no matter how many girls i hooked up with, she was there. sure she made fun and called me a man whore but the smile that followed up with it,i always knew she was messing with me and she knew i could take it and that she was right.
I asked her to a dance, i didnt think it was a serious thing, just two friends going to a dance. it was just a casual thing, to me at least. we danced a bit, they stood around and this girl i knew wanted to dance with me so i went to go dance with her and it was for awhile. Liz and her friends, we kinda wandering around and not dancing and i think they were thinking about leaving. The girl i was dancing with, i thought she was DTF and i was like yeah, i should try to get my D wet, she made plans, she left and Liz was pissed at me. MY ultimate fuck up, i should have stayed with her all night and just danced with her, we could have had a moment and i ruined it. i fucked up so bad.Fromthat moment on she never, ever let me forget that i did that to her which influenced my decision on who to go to prom with. I would have loved to take her but i was afraid she was going to say no and i was going to end up going alone i mean i totally fucked up and bent her trust. SECOND major regret in my life. the first two involve her.
So thats the first one, fucking up and not staying with her at the dance. I didnt realize it was that important to her. she never made a fuss about going to dances and bc it was senior year she decided why not just fucking go to one. and i fucked that up.
The other one is me never telling her how i felt about her...i think as the months of going to school wound down, i was realizing that i might not ever see her again and it was killing me. i cared about her, i figured we would be close forever and that even though she was going to leave, we would stay close. well we didnt, and i hate myself for not sticking with her. During our time writing in our yearbooks, i spilled my guts out everywhere and told her how sorry i was for the dance and that i loved her and that i always would love her and that i hope she was going to have a good time traveling, i think that was it, during the summer and that i hope to hear from here when she was settled in. well School started for the both of us and we drifted apart, we talked on and off for a while and some times not at all. at the point i was was this really hot yet incredibly crazy girl and we had been dating for about a year and a half when stuff started to fall apart.There was a weekend where i went to LA with friends and realized that i fucking missed liz so much and that i really needed to see her and talk to her. so i messaged her on FB and we started to chat and we got our friendship a little back on track. At that point my gf had become my ex and i thought to myself, fantastic i am gonna go up to see liz for the weekend at UC davis and see what happens. sweet, i bought a train ticket up there and we had planned for me to stay with her and that was going on. I mentioned that i wanted to have a nice quiet dinner just the two of us and talk about us and whats up with her schooling and stuff. But then she told me she had been seeing someone and that she didnt think it was a good idea that i go up there... and that was the last time i talked to her. i am sure i texted her a few times but after that, we just stopped talking. I guess it was too late for us and we were both moving on with our lives. yeah it sucked but i had 4 years to be with her and it was my fault for not saying anything to her or showing her how much she ment to me. when i saw that she was this one guy a few months later i just removed her from my TL notifications and just assumed that they would break up and we would or wouldnt talk again. well my life went on, she stayed with that guy and two weeks ago i found out they got married. She married her first boyfriend... I think this will stick unless one of them becomes unhappy.
Well i feel a little bit better now. There are a lot of details in there that i missed but i just skimmed over me fucking up and not maning up and telling her how i felt...I loved you so much Liz and im sorry i didnt do better and that i was a stupid idiot kid that just let someone amazing slip by. I would have given you the whole fucking world, thats how much you ment to me
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